Pornography Addiction Destroyed My Marriage

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But probably he is very much in touch with porn to have ever written his article. Like him, this is going to be hard for you to deal with alone. You might have a serious aversion to porn.

Yours may have a major on porn, but it sounds like he is starting to express his bad heart in other ways too. What is healthy is a man and a woman, made in the image of God, having closeness and being together as God designed it. Yes, your entry struck some sensitive areas in me but I am out of the situation now and will never go back.

Your Husband Looks at Porn: Now What?......

We're lonely little boys playing with our toys; trying very hard to not make any noise. And men never asked that would be such a great tension reliever; it just is. One of the columns I wrote in response to a reader's question regarding men using pornography generated much controversy. It also was very helpful in showing the high toll that using pornography can have on a man's life. You might want to share this with individuals and couples who are having problems with this. Why Men Use Porn and How to Get Yours to Stop Dear Dr. Mark, I have been trying to talk to my partner about his for two years now. He defends its use as being only for personal pleasure. He also says he can't masturbate without it and that the intimacy he has with me is the real thing. The fact that he does this is ironic because he follows a path whose sacred law is that nothing shall be done to harm the women and children. We have an 8-month-old daughter now and I don't want to hide anything from her as she grows up, yet this seems like a sordid secret. Would he be able to live with himself if his daughter came to him one day and said, Hey Dad, I want to be a pornography star. In the meantime, it's hurting me. When I make love with him, I'm flooded by all these images and I get sick to my stomach. Even though he's tried to tell me that I'm his Number-One Goddess, I don't believe him. When we're out, I can't help thinking that he's undressing every woman he meets. Couples Coach replies: Dear 4spirit, You might not like what I am going to say, but please hear me out. For women, verbally venting their frustrations is a great reliever. Well, for men, an is a great stress reliever not to say that that isn't also the case for women. No one knows why; it just is Actually in an upcoming Usable Why my husband looks at porn, you will discover that there is a reason why these work, based on recent findings in. There are two kinds of sex -- sex with love and sex just for sex's sake. Many husbands feel about having sex just for sex's sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing as opposed to making love to the person they care about. So instead of using their wives as things, many men use pornography and and often feel ashamed or even pathetic for doing so - one man in a couple's session when confronted yelled inMeet Hilda. I'm not advocating it or saying it's a wonderful practice, I'm just saying it's fairly common and not always unhealthy. Pornography and masturbation in moderation have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. I think it's pretty sad, but it's just a fact of modern life. The trick of course is to do it in moderation rather than letting it become a full time substitution for real sex. To give you an idea of the why my husband looks at porn men feel, one man asked me a few months ago if I knew what the definition of a shower was. He told me: A shower is the place where grown men go to cry when they're afraid they can't keep the promise they made to their wives and children to always take care of them and don't want their family to see how afraid they are. If you can show your husband that you understand the pressure and responsibilities on him, he may feel less alone and less stressed out. And if he feels less stressed out, he may not need to resort to pornography as much. Take him aside and say to him: Nobody, including me, knows how awful the pressure from all your responsibilities makes you feel. And nobody, including me, knows that sometimes -- even though you love me and our children -- you wish you could be single and have nobody to worry about but you. From there, you may be able to start a dialog about what is worrying him and help him find positive ways of dealing with the pressures in why my husband looks at porn life. Mark, Couples Coach If this take on speaks to you, check out Mark's critically acclaimed book, Perigee, 2001. If you want to discover the secret sauce to connecting and communicating with the people you love, check out his recent international best selling book, Amacom, 2009. Such behavior cannot be blamed on stress. Everyone has stress in their lives and there are many healthy ways to relieve it. Any behavior that hurts another family member is not acceptable. They have a wonderful program that helps a man,or woman,understand their problem,work through it and make ammends to those they have hurt. Masturbation does the same thing for men. At first I was a little puzzled about the frequency of my partner's porn hours, but now we've talked about it and I understand. Just try talking to your partner so you can understand, too. It actually makes sense when you sit down and listen. But if your man is using this and not having any sexual experience with you, he has a problem. If there is an addiction, great -- I suspect they are not as pervasive as golf addictions or football addictions. And, porn is not the only stress reducer. I suppose that another genre of art -- bodice ripper fiction -- is popular for its literary excellence. Actually, I have nothing against bodice rippers although the pseudo non-consensual themes in them raise some interesting questions for me. I just believe in reciprocal treatment of the sexes. And, first person sex in a affectionate relationship is way too much fun to replace it with solo activities. That's what every woman in the world should do when they have a man who refuses to stop watching porn. It can ruin a wonderful marriage. Some people see no wrong in it, but it is Satan himself getting hold of men and making them want more and more of it. As men watch porn, eventually it's not enough. Then they start wondering about other women and fantasizing about them because of what they saw. It can literally mentally destroy a man and a marriage. Men should only fantasize about their wives and be able to communicate with their wives about what turns them on. If they have a good marriage, then the wife would be more than willing to do whatever pleased her husband. Here's the answer, out of anger, i did the same, i bought myself some sex vibrating sex toys and explored. If he can watch porn and wank why can't I. Wow, what a short sided and narrow minded view of the world. Erotic art has been in existance since human beings could hold tools. I'm pretty sure that makes you full of shit. Human beings are sexually attracted to other human beings. Just because you cannot handle the thought of your man thinking about another woman does not make it wrong for him to do so. It makes you a self concious prude who is more interested in preserving her own shallow sense of self. Porn makes you uncomfortable because you are insecure about yourself. Porn is older than the institution of marriage. Since I am certain you know everything about the guy was thinking-you must be a great mother-in-law-pointing out every shortcoming, but my question is different. While I rest assured that you hate everything the man ever did and made no secret of it-why do you worship women that are addicted to porn. If you come out of the basement of the outhouse of your ivory tower you may be surprised. I understand that you are ok with over 40 million women addicted to porn. Check the stats, facts and figures. Imagine-women as despicable as men. Certainly not a hypocrite like you. I hate when people use religion to back up an argument, because not everyone is religious so it's a mute point. An effective argument reaches everyone. I have been happily married to a man for 30 years that chases me around the house constantly, gets erections just by seeing me naked, and truly craves and desires me everyday. He is also a pornoholic going on 30 years. So here's the truth dear ladies. Porn isn't harmful to your marriage or your sex life unless. If your man prefers porn over you. If your man has to pretend you are someone off the big screen. If your man can't look at you, call out your name, or tell you he loves you during sex. If your man doesn't care whether or not your orgasm. If your man has to have you play out sex acts from the porn clips in order for him to get off. Every man has different strengths and different weaknesses. Some men will stay absolutely, positively, totally in love and ''turned on'' by you even though they watch too much porn. While other men for whatever reason are more susceptible to being corrupted by it, and then falter in the bedroom. My advice to those that came to this page because your sex life sucks as a consequence of your man watching porn is try therapy. If that doesn't help, and you don't want a divorce I hate to say it because my hubs and I are loyal as hell find a lover who is really into you. If your personality doesn't allow for deception then leave your marriage and find another spouse that is really into you. Of course you can choose celibacy and self-pleasuring too if you love your husband and the marriage is great outside of the sex. However, for some sex is an emotional need, and when an emotional need isn't being met, well life is too short to spend with damaged people who won't and they can if they want to put your happiness first. I wish you love and healthy genuine sexual attraction from your partners. Women provoke a our inner sexual desire with the way they dress, and then scream about being a pervert when we respond in the only manner we can. If a man commits adultery in his heart, then so does the women he lusts after. Isn't this how societies which employ the burka and niqab think. That men are no better than their base desires. That a scantily dressed woman is destined to be gang-raped. A real man, seeing a naked woman in the street, does not rape her but offers her his coat. But I do agree with you about one thing - women think there is no longer anything called provocative dress - that any dress is now acceptable, and any provocation is merely a result of men being rapists from a why my husband looks at porn of rape. This is to completely vilify the biological differences and unique biological imperatives of each gender. When women spend billions every year in the aesthetics makeup industry, just who are they getting all dressed up for. Don't look at them you creepy pervert. If you wear something you know we want to see you in, you must know you're going to be looked at, and you must know you're going to illicit a sexual response in the man. You are placing the blame on how women dress. As far as I can see, men live for little else than sex, food, and ego gratification. I can understand ur point about masturbation and the use of porn, i also consider that men are more wired visually than woman, Eg:my man is able to spot an actor or actress walking in the street while i would be not seeing it or pondering about if it was or not. What makes the difference I think is how they actually connect with the porn woman, just watching or engaging. To be honest,as a woman i do not need to watch porn to climax, porn happens in my head but it does not mean that it makes it less legitimate. I've also noticed that when i actually do watch porn and masturbate remember women, with vibrating sex toys I anticipate and actually climax quicker which annoys me sometimes. So if men are more visually wired to get off and woman more in touch with feelings inside their head or romantic it would make sens that men do need a visual aid to get the urge out quicker. What i wasn't taught during my biology lessons at school is that men actually need regular sex i've been with my man 14 years and had to learn the hard way. To be honest, the problem is a view of male identity that relies on always being in control and superior to others - get rid of that culture and you would immediately reduce a lot of male anxiety. Yesmen definitely use sex as a tension reliever. It is because men are socialised to use it that they often never explore their own imagination. The other motive is that the women in porn like prostitutes never never judge men on performance - they are easily available and always turned on. Once again, if we had a more positive and less status ridden sexual culture, this might not seem so attractive. Porn generally endorses conservative messages about male and female sexuality and appeals to the unconcious. According to Freud most men fear that being inside a real woman means castration - toothed vaginas etc. Quite average male perceptions about women are often pretty paranoid and sick. If we want good heterosexual relationships we need a full on sexual education that tells the emotional truth and doesn't pander more to one gender. I doubt if that will ever happen since society runs to the tune of patriarchal fantasies that don't necessarily make men happier, just more 'powerful'. Do you encourage all women to cheat for revenge-about any and everything. Atleast you feel good about your cheating. They only ones condemned for cheating is men. Boozers will explain to you that this will not heal your pain. You are too weak to make a change. Are you upfront about your cheating like he is about porn or do you hide it. Studies show that more and more women cheat and are viewing porn. You don't have the integrity to judge everyone by your insecurities and incompetence. You just enjoy cheating more than he likes porn. He has sex with me to satisfy only me. He is addicted to masturbation only because of porn. Everything else is normal for him physically. We have had endless why my husband looks at porn with many therapists, including a sex therapist, who did not help at all. I would love to go out and be with someone else that I can make orgasm just to know that I still can. There is a Book called Eevery Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. This book along why my husband looks at porn God has saved our marriage. One night I walked into the office and my husband of 10 yrs was looking at porn. I never new anything like this could happen to me, especially with the relationship we have with God. But it did and I packed up my son's and my stuff and went to my sister's house. He called our pastor and went to cousel with him and that lasted about 4 hrs and I was still ready to leave and not turn back. It made me sick to my stomach that this even happened to me under my nose, I felt stupid. I'm telling you God changed my heart from one night to the next morning. He started reading this book and we did counseling every week. Any man that thinks that they can beat this battle on there own is wrong and need to really start to pray, your marriage is worth fighting for. Porn ruined my sexual relationship with my husband. I never thought I would every say something like that. This was different than those experiences. Before we were together, he would spend hours every day online looking at porn. All the years of porn trained him to respond to porn and not to real life sexual experiences. He required me to pose for him like the thousands of pictures he had in order for him to be and keep being aroused. I felt like he treated me as a sex toy and not his wife. It doesn't matter what you call it, addiction or not. It was extremely harmful to our relationship. After a few years of therapy, we are doing ok but our sex life is still very rocky. My husband watches porn and denies it all of the time, when he does admit to it he will says he didn't think it was a big deal and won't do it again. This has been going on for 4 years regardless of how I try to approach him and talk about this he simply won't. I explained to him how it makes me feel and it is becoming clear that it just doesn't matter. As an experiment I looked up as many nude men I could find and let him catch me watching porn aimed at women and he flipped out. He called me names and told me I disgusted him. I have no hope for this marriage, and after reading a few blogs no hope for any marriage. I desire my husband above all else and would drop in a heartbeat any trivial habit that made him feel inadequate in our relationship. It saddens me that my husband has chosen porn over our intimacy for the past 4 years. You say thats not what it is but how is it not when your partner is telling you over and over and over again that this is how it effects them. Everyone is different and I have to hear my husband say my name or I love you during sex to feel like he hasn't drifted off to big booty hoes part 3. And stress was an excuse for watching porn, thats hilarious. I worked and supported my jobless husband in school and our 2 children for the past 4 years and I am only 24, now thats stress. To think that I came to this website looking for a silver lining, thinking that this could get better. Thank you for making things clearer for me, I better get out of this while I am young. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling inadequate to the man that I adore. I feel for you - with two children and four years of this challenge, I'm not surprised you feel like leaving. I think men seek this 'outlet' and excuse themselves for their anti-social behaviour when they are feeling disempowered. There are many things that affect men that way, our society is geared that way, and power is linked to money, and when men cannot cammand that power, they often feel inadequate. They seek the comfort of their woman, and family, and if they are not experiencing warmth and respect, they regress into this behaviour - something they can get a satisfaction from and have no effort or restrictions. I said anti-social because it uses some of the time that the couple potentially could use to have fun together, or to support each other, or to benefit their family - and selfishly use it to fill up his mind with images of other people doing things that are not his why my husband looks at porn. Realistically - it is voyeuristic and timewasting. He could be making love with his wife, getting massaged by her before he gives her a fantastice orgasm. Grow up boys, women are for looking at and fucking, but look at the one you have and make sure she knows how much you enjoy getting close to her. She'll be so happy she'll do a lot more for you than 800,000 pixels can ever do xx good luck look after yourself, if he wants to spend all night with his hand on it and his jaw slackened, let him. Keep the bed warm tho', he might be useful when he gets there - or at the very least be his friend, he actually needs that more than a comp. Men may feel that watching porn empowers them or heightens their sexual excitement, but they fail or refuse to see how the women in their lives are made to feel by this behavior. Feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, loss of intimacy, and betrayal are just some of the many facets that a woman must endure when involved with a porn addict. The knife digs in the heart a little deeper every time a woman finds a new movie or nasty download. While masturbation is normal, making the effort to turn on the machine, seek out porn, then cover it up, and clean up the mess is perplexing. Why can't he put the same effort to be with his significant other. When a man is doing this daily and not working on fixing a sexual relationship with his partner there is a problem. I believe my partner has a legitimate problem that he cannot climax during sex why my husband looks at porn can only achieve that through porn and images by himself. If we had a healthy sex life I wouldn't care he has never been refused or rejected by mebut this is clearly a replacement for human contact. Every other aspect of our relationship is fine, maybe some carryover of another issue that he is not addressing. There is research about the ill effects of pornography - read any college sexuality textbook, including how it skews the attitudes of men toward women. Also, I am very weary of people telling women they should help their men blah blah blah. Speaking up is a partner's job, not being an amateur therapist. Men need to go get professional therapy if they cannot hear or handle their partner's concerns and get help, same for women. Try inserting another substance in place of porn in that sentence and see how it sounds. Some men just need booze to relive stress. Some men just need to smoke dope to relieve stress. Doesn't sound too healthy, does it. Excellent point about doing things in excess. What would be your definition of drinking, shopping, complaining, screaming, whining, lying or blogging in moderation I plead guilty to doing the latter in excess. It seems to me that if you do any of those in excess vs confronting and dealing effectively with the conflicts in your life, you're addicted to behaviors that are hurting you and the people you care about. Isn't that what we try to teach our children instead of acting out. If I weren't as able to express myself with my words, there's no telling what I would do with my hands. It's just that the man's way is viewed as more shameful and pathetic if he resorts to pornography. If you are a woman and you are in a relationship, ask your man: How much do you feel liked, respected and admired by me. If he answers, A lot, he's a lucky guy and you're a classy lady, if he pauses or says, Not much, ask him how much it upsets him. So, I'll address the other problem with Mark's reply to 4spirit: What about her. He seems to have forgotten that 4spirit was looking for a way to improve her relationship with her husband, since she is obviously unsatisfied with the relationship as-is. She mentioned several distressing problems, including her concern that her husband is beginning to view her as a sex object which is justified by his compulsive pornography consumptionthat he might begin to devalue her or replace her image with one of his favorite porn stars while they are having sex, and that her daughter might discover his secret which leads to a powerful follow-up question for the husband: would you be comfortable with your daughter selling her own naked image to other salivating males. Unfortunately, Mark brushed aside these concerns with a common justification for potentially destructive behavior: If it feels good, then it must be good for you. And thanks for leaving your name as opposed to going anonymous. The question and my response to 4spirit came in 1999. I have learned a number of things since then. However some observations and tips I would also add include: 1. Words respond to words, actions respond to actions a. Try using an analogy to get him to feel what you feel - 4spirit should think of someone who had made a longstanding promise or commitment to her husband and then went back on it. Then she should bring it up to her husband and ask him how that felt when that person did that. Hopefully he will admit that he felt hurt and angry. Hopefully he will say that he would feel frustrated and even at his wit's end. Then 4spirit should make the connection that what her husband is doing to her is what that person has done to him. By using an analogy she might be able to get her husband to feel what she is feeling when he seems to be unable to understand what she is feeling. Here's the tough choice - if 4spirit's husband refuses to change, her choice is either to change why my husband looks at porn way she thinks i. There really isn't another choice. First of all, let me say that I'm not sure why I addressed you in the third-person probably too much staring at a screen instead of a face. Regarding your reply, thanks for responding to my concerns. I think these suggestions will go a long way toward helping this couple to find common ground and reconcile their differences. However, I am still concerned about pornography in a general sense, especially the research evidence associating its consumption with aggression and the growth of attitudes toward women as objects of sexual gratification. Several studies have shown that people who expose themselves to pornography are more likely to resort to physical force during conflict and less likely to be satisfied with their sexual relationships. I'll have to do some digging to pull up the particular articles if you're interested, but these studies give reason to question the purported safety of porn, even when used in moderation. Thank you for your interest in this Kevin. I would agree that some addictions are more detrimental than others and ones like an addiction to pornography where people are seen more as objects would increase the risk of treating them like objects in real life. Similar to how video games can increase violence in children. I'm sure the research will support this. The challenge of course is how to shift people's core values away from excitement and gratification to empathy and connectedness. Any suggestions on how to do that?.

It would never be enough, as porn is voraciously hungry animal which can never get enough. I did that too and all that happened from it, was that the abuse went on and on and he got away with it. I am a single mom of many children and while it will be hard to monitor all of them as they get older, they at least will get momma bear while they are home. What he was telling you was a bunch of excuses to elicit your permission and participation in his activities. No different than a business in which an employee conspires to allow thieves to come in after hours and loot and vandalize, this sin amounts to unlatching the door of our souls and our family homes and inviting satan to come on in and make himself at home. In the fantasy world, that never happens, so an addict will prefer the fantasy world over real life. In my opinion, divorce is rampant in our country because we have lack of respect for our spouses. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. Now the problem was too big to ignore. As men watch porn, eventually it's not enough.